THE END OF THE WORLD

I just realized that if in fact this is the last day the world will exist as we know it......how will I ever find an orthodontist to take these things off of me in the new-world Zombie order?

CHECKPOINT 1: THE NEW BAND So I had my first check-up a couple of days ago. Things are right on schedule apperantly. My orthodontist asked me how long it took me to forgive him for doing this horrible thing to me and I told him--and honestly so--that it took a full week. Truthfully, for what is a blog but a dump site for untethered honesty, I was never mad at him, but at me. I was so pissed at myself for waiting this long. Yes of course, this is the right thing to do, so why the heck did it take me so long to do it? This new band that he put in is killing me. I'm back to only eating foods I can just gum down with only the use of my tongue. Also, where my other band was white and less noticable, this one is thick and straight silver. It's like he started me out with a less shocking device so I got used to it, then slowly but surely, is turning me into the nerd these things were meant for. So far, I've been able to resist the nerdiness...at least in public. But it is a force to be reckoned with....This band is supposed to widen my teeth, giving me the awesome puffy lips I've always dreamed of. So far, it's just given me giant headaches and chopped up my tongue something awful. I just keep telling myself it's worth it. It's worth it. It's worth it. In good news, I got another comercial spot that this time, I was able to go to! Yay! Take that braceface!!

I am so DONE WITH THESE THINGS........

I am SO done with these things.......

I am so done with these things......

GIVING THANKS I haven't posted for a week or so because really, each day has been filled with the same exacerbations: I am so done with these things! It's all I can do every day to NOT rip them off my teeth myself! I had a dream last night where the brackets all fell off while I was asleep, but because of how I was sleeping and that my teeth were so malable, they moved to be even worse than when I got them on in the first place. But the braces were off.....it was wonderful :) It's hard for me to believe that I'll need to keep these things on for another 7 months! They're already so straight! Really, another month would probably do it, and then what? Six months of holding them in place? Isn't that what a retainer is for? Ugh. At this point, being thankful for these things teeters on the edge of "my teeth weren't that bad to begin with" and "they are going to look amazing once this is all over!" I'll tell you what I am grateful for: a friggin sense of humour. I think I would have crumbled by now if I couldn't wake up every day a laugh at the 32 year old with braces in the mirror. Sill girl. Braces are for kids!

Locking Lips, or The Ex Part II .....Yeah.....So as it turns out, kissing with braces is not as painful as I thought it would be. The damage ended up being strictly emotional. I don't know why I go back to this guy. I don't know why I kissed him again. I had a good streak going! It just ended up being the perfect way to end the night. He called me up out of the blue and wanted to have dinner at our favorite sandwich place. Since I've only recently been able to eat sandwiches again, I jumped at the chance. We hadn't seen or talked to each other in a while. Apperantly he's getting Lasik soon which means he has to wear glasses for many weeks before hand. So there we were. Him with his coke bottle glasses, and me with my braces at our sadwhich place, laughing at each other's new-found nerdiness. Most people opt for a spray tan or new diet after a break-up, we both decided to take our post-break-up transformation in a different direction.....me and my 8 month long cocoon. I asked him if there were any other girls in his life and he said something about not needing any when he's got such a "beautiful braced" girl to go back to. How was I supposed to NOT kiss him after a statement like that?? Of course I knew it was only a one time, for old time's sake, love 'em and leave 'em fling! And of course I don't want to go back to what we had left at the end of the relationship! But man it felt nice to feel attractive again! Sexy even! But of course, by the time the door closed and I watched him walk to his car, I was kicking myself for falling backwards...again. More than anything, I got these stupid things so that I could move FORWARD in life. So that I could make changes that would lead to accomplishing life-long goals and happiness! He's a comfort blanket. And braces are anything but comfortable.

You Should See The Other Guy Totally took an elbow to the grill yesterday. Onstage. I didn't realize at the time how bad it hurt due to the fact that our show performs outdoors and it was pretty cold and my lips were pretty numb when it happened. This morning I woke up with super puffy lips and two bracket indents on the inside of my mouth that catch on my braces every time I move. This hinders my salivia control immensely. Not to mention the fact that I have a head cold and sinus infection, so that general area of my face is not doing well anyway. Compound that with the swollen lip, raspy voice, and overall lack of energy, you got a pretty hot 32 year old :) Hold on a sec while I grab my inhaler....

SCORESHEET: 1 and 1 So as many of you will remember, I've already lost one acting gig due to my expensive new grill, but.....just found out I was booked for a SAG eligible commercial with the casting directors knowing full well that I have braces!! Unfortunately, they booked me for the last day of my play so I have to turn down the $300 job to perform Shakespeare in the snow for free. Unless my agent can pull some awesome strings :) But how awesome is that??? I'm smiling so wide that I was actually booked by a SAG casting director that I don't even care that I might not get to do it! For so long, I've struggled with the process around here (honestly, living anywhere but LA or NY will be a struggle for an actor; especially one that is marked as a "character") There are two, maybe three permanent casting directors here and if you're not their type, you don't work. I love when they come in from out of state; every time I've been booked or called back, it's been with someone who is not from around here. That just tells me that I'm bound for bigger and better things; that maybe it's not me, it's them; that this small town atmosphere i'm stuck in isn't representative of the world at large. Even if I can't do this commercial, it's given me way more than a paycheck. It's given me some confidence that I haven't been able to draw from for years. Though it would have been nice to make this month's payment for my braces out of my SAG COMMERCIAL MONEY! :)

The Fear of Enternity, The Agony of Reality I had a dream last night that I ran into a friend whom I haven't seen since high school. Being 32, high school was 14 years ago. When last I saw her, she still had her braces on and in my dream, they were still on....14 years later. And not only was she still wearing them, her teeth had gotten worse...like twisted and turned and filed down to creepy spikes worse. Despite all that, she greeted me optimistically like she always did in real life and we shared an "I can't believe I'm an adult with braces" moment and then I asked her how much longer she had to wear her braces and she said another year and a half. She asked me the same question and I guiltily told her "just eight more months." I felt so bad! I got braces for mostly vainity's sake and I was feeling depressed about my eight months and here she was, 14 years later with one more year to go and still optimistic that her Orthodontist was doing an excellent job! I'm pretty sure this dream was inspired by the fact that every one that sees my braces for the first time either wants to get them, or had horrible experiences with them as a teenager. Some had to wear them for four years. Many had to use cranks that they cranked themselves to break their palatte and widen their mouths so their teeth could fit. It's all so torturous. It's been three days shy of one month....only 7-9 more to go. I can't tell you how many times in the past week I've been entirely fed up with these things. Now instead of creating scratches, they are catching on the callouses they made on my cheeks. And forget about saliva control. Especially while performing shakespeare. The show is going well though, and in all the production photos I've seen, you can't even tell I have braces :) And yes, my teeth are definitely straightening out. The obnoxious overlapping teeth are almost to the point where the don't get in the way of the other teeth above them. Slowly but surely......

Going Public I know that braces are not easily hidden, nor are they easily ignored once they are discovered. I got the clear speed-set braces for both of those selling points: they were clear, and they were speedy. As I've said before, lots of people haven't even noticed the braces right at first. That's one of the ways I've stayed sane through this whole journey. It's hard to keep up that ambiguity when your orthodontist tags you in your "after application" picture on Facebook. As unbelievable as it is that some people three feet away from me don’t notice my metal mouth, it’s even harder to believe how many people thought my teeth were straight to begin with! I had a snaggle that my orthodontist was surprised hadn’t been broken off! My brother who hadn’t seen me yet even said my teeth were fine. This kind of situation does a couple of different things to people: first off, so many more people found out about this than I was expecting or even planning on. That means that I am no longer in control of who knows what. Secondly, with the amount of people now telling me I didn’t need them in the first place, my resolve to “stick it out” is dwindling. It took a ton of emotional coaxing to get me to the point where I felt like I could do this, and I now feel a little bit doubtful that I can. It’s only been three weeks. Not even that, two and a half. This month is just dragging and I’ve seven to nine more lined up right after it. That is a long time. As an actress, confidence is key. Granted, I got these things on in the first place because I lacked confidence in my smile, but right before I got them, I was doing really well! I was getting a lot of work and gaining a lot of steam in my career. And now I’ve got to grind to a halt for nine months. I’m still involved in acting—I’m in a play right now and I’ve got a touring show in January, plus I just completed a short film where they actually liked that I had braces for the character—but the ability to walk into a room and feel like “this part is mine” is gone. I feel more apologetic and submissive. Ugh. Not a great weekend for me. ON THE PLUS SIDE: my snaggle is so far back that I can’t tell which tooth it is when I feel it with my tongue. It’s so amazing to look beyond the braces and see what my teeth can be! I still can’t bite with my front teeth, but I can get through chicken enchiladas now, and that is definitely progress!

The Dream Last night I had one of those dreams that are so close to reality that you really belive it's real. Because your brain knows exactly how to convince you that you do actually live in the mall and that getting to your orthodontist is as easy as turning right at the food court. In my dream, two of my teeth rotted out and simply fell off of their brackets. This left the wire vulnerable and it broke, but only in the front so I pulled the front part off revealing perfectly dazzling, straight, white teeth. Of course, there was a giant gap in my mouth where the rotted teeth should have been, but what I had looked AMAZING. I also managed to fit in a little shopping while I was at the mall/orthodontist/my house. The Reality No rotted teeth, no broken brackets, no bent wires. Two weeks officially down. 30-38 more to go. My orthodontist is awesome. He told me when he tells people the time frame he usually overestimates how long it will take. With me, he told me I could be done in as little as eight months, maybe ten. Seeing as how I'm only two weeks in and ready to be done, two months difference is a huge deal. That's the difference between May 23, and July 3rd. Between spring flowers and Independence Day. Between light jackets and swim suits. Between teeth white as snow and sun-bleached sand. The problem with telling a person like me time-frames like that, is that I always overachieve. If someone tells me it can't be done in 8 months, I aim for 7. That is, I would normally do that with normal situations that can be affected by things like persistance and ambition. I am hoping my sheer force of will affects how quickly this whole thing will be over, that all the 'good vibes' and 'happy thoughts' that I'm sending my teeth will pay off. We shall see. In the meantime.....and don't tell anyone, but....I'm kind of getting used to them. You know how when you imagine yourself in certain situations, you tend to see yourself in your best state? On more than one occasion recently, I've imagined myself in certain situations and without even prompting myself to remember, I've imagined me with braces. I no longer have to use the wax on a regular basis. My lips now fit securely around the braces and have even created room in front of them. They are now common place. After only two weeks, they are a part of me. And as expensive as they are and painful as they have been and will be, I actually feel more at peace knowing that I have them on now and that eight to ten months from now I won't be saying "dang, I wish I would have got my braces on eight months ago" like I am now. Peace of mind is worth it. Worth all of it.

The Ex I saw my ex for the first time post-braceface transformation. I made sure my hair was curled, my makeup was on, and my trendiest jeans were clean. But no matter how polished the rest of me is, the second I open my mouth I become a pre-adolescent again. Isn’t it funny, that no matter how aware I am of the fact that we wouldn’t have worked out long-term, I still want him to be empty without me. I still want to see him see me. I still want to feel the longing in his hug. He didn’t hug me. Not that he wouldn’t have, but the group dynamic plus the timetable of arrivals minus the collective awareness of the group to the state of affairs made it feel out of place. He called me later and told me how thin I looked (thank you braces-induced, non-solid-food diet!) and how my braces were hardly noticeable. It’s going to be worth it. It has to be. Just a little bit of self-torture for a lifetime of worry free smiling! Well, ¾’s of a lifetime anyway…as long as I live to be 128...I better....with the money I’m putting into this little adventure I better live to be at least 100, have three wonderful children with perfectly straight teeth from birth, and smile so much it will hurt to frown. I know that ten years from now, or even five years from now, this experience will hardly seem like a trial. It’s just so hard to be in this moment knowing that nothing but time will end it.

Look how much they've changed in just 11 days!

One Week Down! Well, one week and two days. Even better! For those of you keeping track, that means I only have from 32-40 weeks left! That is not bad! I've already seen progress in my teeth and my snaggle is almost completely aligned with the rest of the teeth. It makes you wonder if it's this easy to move them back, why they heck do I have to wear these things for 8 months? I thought I'd post a few helpful tips to those considering braces in their older years: 1-Get some good chapstick. The medicated kind. I recommend Burt's Bees. Lots of it. 2-Learn to love soup. Apart from protein shakes, basically my only food group for the past week. I've since added rice, applesauce, scrambled eggs, and spaghetti. Basically things that can be gumned down. 3-Don't expect to talk normally for at least a week. I'm still fighting with my 's's. 4-Don't plan to live on ice-cream. Angry teeth are sensitive. 5-Use the wax they give you. I have this ridiculous instinct to 'tough it out' in almost all aspects of life. Trust me, using the wax does not make you a wimp. Your cheeks will get plenty calloused even with the wax. If your orthodontist doesn't give you any you go back to that office and demand it. Braceface out.

What The What? I’ve dated, I’ve had boyfriends, I’ve been in love, I’ve broken things up, and I’ve made ridiculously dangerous choices as far as men go. Over the years I’ve gained weight, lost weight, changed my hair, changed my face, changed my style, changed my likes and dislikes and essentially run the gambit of life’s possibilities. I have attracted many various types of guys over the years, but I have never in my life been hit on so consistently as in the past five days since I’ve gotten braces. Are you kidding me? Every day I’ve had at least one guy—in some cases more—do something indicative of an interest. And it’s not like I’ve been hiding my braces either. In fact, I’ve found that I am far less embarrassed of my braces than I ever was of my snaggle-tooth. So they know I have braces…and why exactly the sudden influx of interest? It’s not something I would have even thought would be a problem with braces. You expect the ripped up cheeks. You dread the two hours it takes to floss each individual bracket. You plan for the impaired speech. And, to be truthful, I chose October to begin my sentence for many reasons, one of them being that it marks the beginning of the winter months and who smiles in winter? Another being that I just broke up with someone and was anticipating that awkward “readjustment to single life” phase to last most of the 8-10 months I’d be in these things. I had no intention of stirring up anything romantic when I put these suckers on. I certainly had no idea that they would be the cause of such attention. Bizarre. On the positive side, after only five days, I can already see a difference! I visited my parents for the first time since the braces went on and my mom even noticed the difference. Sir snags-a-lot is falling back in line—technically not ‘back’ since it never once was in line in all of its existence—and the teeth that were pushed back are now awkwardly crossing the front teeth in wonderfully painful way. Solid foods are still tough. Partly because of pain, mainly because I hate getting things stuck in my teeth. It’s cool though. I can survive on soup and protein shakes for 299 more days…right…?

DAY 1 Only 304 days left. Roughly. I might get time off for good behavior in 244. But I've never had the best behavior... I only pre-told a handful of people that I was going to get braces. For some reason, I have a hard time letting go of the status quo. I wanted life to be as normal as possible for my last day--soak in all the normalcy I could before life took a drastic turn. Since my braces have been on, responses have been varied. Some people--my new best friends--didn't even notice. Others have told me they think it's admirable to get braces when you're past your teenage years. The most common response has been "I need to do that too." It's unbelievable how many people out there hate their teeth. Many of them have insignificant issues--one tooth is slightly crossing another, or their bottom teeth are a little out of line--and many of them have the same attitude I had: "if I can't fix it with a retainer I only have to wear at night, I won't bother!" I was resolute when I walked into that office that I was getting Invisalign or nothing, but the years and years of hiding my smile and pushing on my snaggle tooth in hopes that I could get it to magically realign itself finally caved in on me. Just do it. Just do it the way you know will fix it. Just get it done and be done with it. Just trust the orthodontist with his book of success stories and overly gracious discount. They have an opening tomorrow and They'll waive the $200 records fee if you take it. Just effing do it. My cheeks are thrashed. Not just from the wires, but also because I'm still so self-conscious that I find myself pursing my lips closed and sucking out all the air from my mouth which has made it extremely dry. I got the speed-set braces which means that, unlike traditional braces and bands, and because of advanced technology, these brackets are able to grip the wire tightly with no give, so no matter how much my teeth rebel against it, there is no escape. Essentially, I've walked my teeth into a POW camp. So naturally, since they can't retaliate against the wire, they've retaliated against me in the form of solid food resistance. For the past 30 or so hours, I have only eaten two cereal bars and those took about 3 hours each to get down. I am starving. But the pain caused by attempting to eat is enough to make my stomach growls subside. Well played teeth, well played. On the plus side, by the time I get these things off, I'll have lost those pesky 10 pounds I've been trying to loose all of my adult life. I've also forgotten how to say certain conjunctions like "st" or "sh" or "ts," anything where my teeth need to meet to produce the proper sound. It's awesome. (Which coincidentally, is a phrase that now sounds like "Iths Awethome.") I got braces because I am an actor and I was tired of only ever being considered for "character" roles. Because a snaggle-tooth adds a lot of "character".....I'm actually in a play right now that opens in two weeks for which I desperately need full use of my conjunctions. I mean, Shakespeare is hard enough for an audience to understand as it is without adding a lisp to it. I dreamed last night that all my brackets fell off and I had to go back in and have them reattached but tried to talk them into putting them back on in a month or so....if that were the case, it would add another 61 days to my sentence. Sigh. At this point, I would still consider it.

32 and Braces How to even begin this journey. I am 32 years old. I have a Bachelor’s Degree, a 10 year old niece, and a ’95 Toyota Tacoma. I’m old enough to remember the first time neon colors were cool. I’m old enough to remember when Chuckie Cheeze was a rolly polly rat spokesmen for Showbiz Pizza rather than the skateboarding namesake for a children’s entertainment center. Most importantly, I remember the first time I had braces. The office was in the basement of a dark, 70’s style office building. There was a large fish tank with blue lights and white fish. I was sixteen. I had put it off and put it off and waited and worried and finally, I was going to get braces. The teenage torture device. The social-life destructor. The nail in the nerd coffin. Looking back now, I have no idea why I was so worried. Who cares about high school? Who cares that I didn’t have a boyfriend when I was sixteen? Or even seventeen for that matter? Now that I am thirty-two, single, and facing the daunting thought of another year of braces, seventeen is nothing. Braces. The reason I had braces in the first place was to correct a ‘snaggle’ tooth that jutted out of from the rest of my teeth. The first round of braces didn't fix it completely, so it's something I've always had. The friends I’ve told about my latest plans have said “oh but it’s so you!” “it gives you character!” “it’s not that noticeable!” Definitely not as noticeable as braces. With a crooked tooth—or any facial oddity—humans tend to notice it once, then disregard it, classify it as “you.” Well I don’t want to be “snaggle-tooth.” I want pretty teeth! I want to smile wide! I want to blind folks with my pearly whites! I want to do this all without having to go through braces again! I met with my orthodontist yesterday to discuss Invisalign. No good. It might make me look better, but it won’t fix the real special problems. And it would cost just as much. And now, the only advantage I see in being 32 and getting braces is that I have 16 more years of life experience under my belt than I did the first time, enough to know that one more year is nothing. Metallic smiles are nothing. For the end result I want, it’s ridiculous to put it off anymore. If anything, when I was done with my consultation, I had a hard time talking myself out of getting braces. The logic just adds up. And so, today, I embark on a grand adventure: the adventures of a 32 year old virgin with braces. Snaggle-tooth be gone!