SCORESHEET: 1 and 1 So as many of you will remember, I've already lost one acting gig due to my expensive new grill, but.....just found out I was booked for a SAG eligible commercial with the casting directors knowing full well that I have braces!! Unfortunately, they booked me for the last day of my play so I have to turn down the $300 job to perform Shakespeare in the snow for free. Unless my agent can pull some awesome strings :) But how awesome is that??? I'm smiling so wide that I was actually booked by a SAG casting director that I don't even care that I might not get to do it! For so long, I've struggled with the process around here (honestly, living anywhere but LA or NY will be a struggle for an actor; especially one that is marked as a "character") There are two, maybe three permanent casting directors here and if you're not their type, you don't work. I love when they come in from out of state; every time I've been booked or called back, it's been with someone who is not from around here. That just tells me that I'm bound for bigger and better things; that maybe it's not me, it's them; that this small town atmosphere i'm stuck in isn't representative of the world at large. Even if I can't do this commercial, it's given me way more than a paycheck. It's given me some confidence that I haven't been able to draw from for years. Though it would have been nice to make this month's payment for my braces out of my SAG COMMERCIAL MONEY! :)

The Fear of Enternity, The Agony of Reality I had a dream last night that I ran into a friend whom I haven't seen since high school. Being 32, high school was 14 years ago. When last I saw her, she still had her braces on and in my dream, they were still on....14 years later. And not only was she still wearing them, her teeth had gotten worse...like twisted and turned and filed down to creepy spikes worse. Despite all that, she greeted me optimistically like she always did in real life and we shared an "I can't believe I'm an adult with braces" moment and then I asked her how much longer she had to wear her braces and she said another year and a half. She asked me the same question and I guiltily told her "just eight more months." I felt so bad! I got braces for mostly vainity's sake and I was feeling depressed about my eight months and here she was, 14 years later with one more year to go and still optimistic that her Orthodontist was doing an excellent job! I'm pretty sure this dream was inspired by the fact that every one that sees my braces for the first time either wants to get them, or had horrible experiences with them as a teenager. Some had to wear them for four years. Many had to use cranks that they cranked themselves to break their palatte and widen their mouths so their teeth could fit. It's all so torturous. It's been three days shy of one month....only 7-9 more to go. I can't tell you how many times in the past week I've been entirely fed up with these things. Now instead of creating scratches, they are catching on the callouses they made on my cheeks. And forget about saliva control. Especially while performing shakespeare. The show is going well though, and in all the production photos I've seen, you can't even tell I have braces :) And yes, my teeth are definitely straightening out. The obnoxious overlapping teeth are almost to the point where the don't get in the way of the other teeth above them. Slowly but surely......

Going Public I know that braces are not easily hidden, nor are they easily ignored once they are discovered. I got the clear speed-set braces for both of those selling points: they were clear, and they were speedy. As I've said before, lots of people haven't even noticed the braces right at first. That's one of the ways I've stayed sane through this whole journey. It's hard to keep up that ambiguity when your orthodontist tags you in your "after application" picture on Facebook. As unbelievable as it is that some people three feet away from me don’t notice my metal mouth, it’s even harder to believe how many people thought my teeth were straight to begin with! I had a snaggle that my orthodontist was surprised hadn’t been broken off! My brother who hadn’t seen me yet even said my teeth were fine. This kind of situation does a couple of different things to people: first off, so many more people found out about this than I was expecting or even planning on. That means that I am no longer in control of who knows what. Secondly, with the amount of people now telling me I didn’t need them in the first place, my resolve to “stick it out” is dwindling. It took a ton of emotional coaxing to get me to the point where I felt like I could do this, and I now feel a little bit doubtful that I can. It’s only been three weeks. Not even that, two and a half. This month is just dragging and I’ve seven to nine more lined up right after it. That is a long time. As an actress, confidence is key. Granted, I got these things on in the first place because I lacked confidence in my smile, but right before I got them, I was doing really well! I was getting a lot of work and gaining a lot of steam in my career. And now I’ve got to grind to a halt for nine months. I’m still involved in acting—I’m in a play right now and I’ve got a touring show in January, plus I just completed a short film where they actually liked that I had braces for the character—but the ability to walk into a room and feel like “this part is mine” is gone. I feel more apologetic and submissive. Ugh. Not a great weekend for me. ON THE PLUS SIDE: my snaggle is so far back that I can’t tell which tooth it is when I feel it with my tongue. It’s so amazing to look beyond the braces and see what my teeth can be! I still can’t bite with my front teeth, but I can get through chicken enchiladas now, and that is definitely progress!

The Dream Last night I had one of those dreams that are so close to reality that you really belive it's real. Because your brain knows exactly how to convince you that you do actually live in the mall and that getting to your orthodontist is as easy as turning right at the food court. In my dream, two of my teeth rotted out and simply fell off of their brackets. This left the wire vulnerable and it broke, but only in the front so I pulled the front part off revealing perfectly dazzling, straight, white teeth. Of course, there was a giant gap in my mouth where the rotted teeth should have been, but what I had looked AMAZING. I also managed to fit in a little shopping while I was at the mall/orthodontist/my house. The Reality No rotted teeth, no broken brackets, no bent wires. Two weeks officially down. 30-38 more to go. My orthodontist is awesome. He told me when he tells people the time frame he usually overestimates how long it will take. With me, he told me I could be done in as little as eight months, maybe ten. Seeing as how I'm only two weeks in and ready to be done, two months difference is a huge deal. That's the difference between May 23, and July 3rd. Between spring flowers and Independence Day. Between light jackets and swim suits. Between teeth white as snow and sun-bleached sand. The problem with telling a person like me time-frames like that, is that I always overachieve. If someone tells me it can't be done in 8 months, I aim for 7. That is, I would normally do that with normal situations that can be affected by things like persistance and ambition. I am hoping my sheer force of will affects how quickly this whole thing will be over, that all the 'good vibes' and 'happy thoughts' that I'm sending my teeth will pay off. We shall see. In the meantime.....and don't tell anyone, but....I'm kind of getting used to them. You know how when you imagine yourself in certain situations, you tend to see yourself in your best state? On more than one occasion recently, I've imagined myself in certain situations and without even prompting myself to remember, I've imagined me with braces. I no longer have to use the wax on a regular basis. My lips now fit securely around the braces and have even created room in front of them. They are now common place. After only two weeks, they are a part of me. And as expensive as they are and painful as they have been and will be, I actually feel more at peace knowing that I have them on now and that eight to ten months from now I won't be saying "dang, I wish I would have got my braces on eight months ago" like I am now. Peace of mind is worth it. Worth all of it.

The Ex I saw my ex for the first time post-braceface transformation. I made sure my hair was curled, my makeup was on, and my trendiest jeans were clean. But no matter how polished the rest of me is, the second I open my mouth I become a pre-adolescent again. Isn’t it funny, that no matter how aware I am of the fact that we wouldn’t have worked out long-term, I still want him to be empty without me. I still want to see him see me. I still want to feel the longing in his hug. He didn’t hug me. Not that he wouldn’t have, but the group dynamic plus the timetable of arrivals minus the collective awareness of the group to the state of affairs made it feel out of place. He called me later and told me how thin I looked (thank you braces-induced, non-solid-food diet!) and how my braces were hardly noticeable. It’s going to be worth it. It has to be. Just a little bit of self-torture for a lifetime of worry free smiling! Well, ¾’s of a lifetime anyway…as long as I live to be 128...I better....with the money I’m putting into this little adventure I better live to be at least 100, have three wonderful children with perfectly straight teeth from birth, and smile so much it will hurt to frown. I know that ten years from now, or even five years from now, this experience will hardly seem like a trial. It’s just so hard to be in this moment knowing that nothing but time will end it.

Look how much they've changed in just 11 days!

One Week Down! Well, one week and two days. Even better! For those of you keeping track, that means I only have from 32-40 weeks left! That is not bad! I've already seen progress in my teeth and my snaggle is almost completely aligned with the rest of the teeth. It makes you wonder if it's this easy to move them back, why they heck do I have to wear these things for 8 months? I thought I'd post a few helpful tips to those considering braces in their older years: 1-Get some good chapstick. The medicated kind. I recommend Burt's Bees. Lots of it. 2-Learn to love soup. Apart from protein shakes, basically my only food group for the past week. I've since added rice, applesauce, scrambled eggs, and spaghetti. Basically things that can be gumned down. 3-Don't expect to talk normally for at least a week. I'm still fighting with my 's's. 4-Don't plan to live on ice-cream. Angry teeth are sensitive. 5-Use the wax they give you. I have this ridiculous instinct to 'tough it out' in almost all aspects of life. Trust me, using the wax does not make you a wimp. Your cheeks will get plenty calloused even with the wax. If your orthodontist doesn't give you any you go back to that office and demand it. Braceface out.